changes + understanding

"and then

her heart changed,

or at least

she understood it;

and the winter passed,

and the sun shone

upon her"

JRR TOLKIEN

I don't feel like I'm qualified to quote Tolkien. I never have. Is it proper to quote an author so widely loved and intensely studied when you have neither fallen in love with him yourself nor really invested any time reading him? It doesn't seem quite right. Yet, here I am. And here we go. Tolkien quote and all. 

I shared this quote in a post 6 years ago at the start of this blog. At that point, thanks to a couple good and true friends and someone who offered a listening ear to my troubles, I felt a great sense of relief and felt more whole. Much of the weight I felt burdened by had been relieved by that point and I could relate to the quote: something within me either changed or could finally be understood and I felt like I was in a whole new season of my life. 

Looking back, I smile and chuckle a little bit. If I went back to 2014 and could talk to my past self, I'd be tempted to say "you still have a long way to go, dear" because that was most certainly true. Yet, no good would come of this. I felt better--more whole, more healed--and that was important to experience. Maybe I'd only taken a baby step or two at that point and there were still millions more to go...but those millions more would never happen if I was discouraged by the work yet to come after just the first few steps. 

I don't remember the friend who once made this analogy, but I thank her good heart for sharing because it's been so helpful to me. She described her life as a dark cave and that she was walking through it with only one, faint lantern to guide her way. Though she could have an attitude of fear as she walked through this cave, she had a spirit of gratitude...thanksgiving that there was a light and thanksgiving that there wasn't too much light--for surely, if she knew what lay ahead, she wouldn't have the courage to keep moving. 

Many years later, I use the same analogy for my own life. It's fitting and helpful. It directs my prayer and aids in diminishing worries about the future. I've added to the imagery, now imagining that the light sheds not just enough light to be practical--so I can make a safe step forward--but it illuminates the fact that the cave is beautiful and each step is more enchanting than the last. 

A lot has happened in the last 6 years. I chuckle at 20-year-old Mariah, because she still had a long ways to go...Many more heartbreaks would come. Many more good friends would come...and some would go. Many more revelations of how broken and injured I am would come. Many more imperative and healing people would come. More tears would be shed. More joys would be experienced. 

And there are yet more to come. And I've still got a long ways to go. 

But thanks be to God for how far I've come. 

Thanks be to God for the changes and transformation He's made in my heart so far.

Thanks be to God for the better understanding I have of the parts of my heart that are still the same.

Thanks be to God for the light He sheds as I continue moving forward--the light which is neither too much nor too little. 

A hymn:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene--one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou

Shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose and see my path; but now,

Lead thou me on! 

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still

Will lead me on

O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till

The night is gone.

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

JHN