So foolish I was, those first few weeks when the excitement of enacting on God's Will reigned supreme! While the excitement itself was not entirely foolish, it was the belief that in following His Divine plan, I would be spared from complication or tribulation. This isn't the case. This is never the case. I never learn.
(No, I don't have normal colored feet. #ReasonsImStillSingle. ) (jk)
Although the excitement has not worn thin entirely, it is sometimes overruled by mass feelings of inadequacy, doubt and fear. Fighting such feelings tends to be my greatest struggle. Along with keeping my eyebrows even, of course. As I prepare for tests and applications* these feelings come up more and more frequently. I am not good enough. I am not smart enough. I am not capable.
*Coming to an end December 6th. Feel free to unfollow until after then if you don't like hearing of such repulsive things. ;)
As I worked this afternoon, these feelings finally came to the surface. Despite having the tendency to be dreadfully boring and oftentimes frustrating, my job does provide ample time for reflection. I've come to be rather fond of it, especially because it's almost like I'm getting paid to think. Having gotten myself into an episode of doubt and worry, I fought back tears thinking of the possibility of failure in achieving my expectations + aspirations--and while less severe, those of others. So many have faith in me, believing I can accomplish these things ahead. So many have complimented my writing, my art, my XYZ. (Which isn't something sketchy, it's just a fill-in-the-blank kind of thing because I don't feel like complimenting myself over the internetz anymore.) Yet I think to myself...if only they knew.
If only they knew how dreadfully long it takes for me to put together a coherent paragraph. Heck, even a simple sentence. If only they knew how I struggle with arithmetic. If only they knew how careless I've been throughout the years with my studies, letting things slide out of boredom. If they knew me as I know me, you surely wouldn't have such faith. You would know how truly over my head every ounce of this is.
In the moment of stacking one tub of icecream atop another, I continued to fight back tears and asked "God. Where are you in all this...You see where I am so weak and ashamed by what knowledge I do not possess... Where are you?"
This has been my prayer as of late: To have a greater awareness of God's presence and love in my life. This differs from my usual pleas to make such-and-such problem go away as I've come to recognize an immense beauty in suffering. If one wishes away all their struggles then he will surely become a really lame saint. If even a saint at all. From great adversities come great saints. Granted, I still complain about almost everything, it's simply an additional prayer. Shout out to MIHI for the idea.
His answer came so quietly; as if a whisper had a voice and could himself whisper. Like a slight stirring of the water's surface by a breeze so light. Minuscule as it may be, it still produced a wave.
I think of myself as a disarray of components. Possessing a multitude of random enjoyments & distastes, slight talents and dramatic vices. Though my interests vary far and wide, I cannot boast of a particular expertise in any one subject. From my perspective, it seems that I am composed of a chaotic array of vast nothings & it makes no sense. I make no sense. Usually, this sets of a series of ugly emotions, thinking oh-me-oh-my-what-a-dispicable-creature-thou-art. (only I said in more of a gangster-like way, because this is how I roll.)
In the eyes of the Divine Creator, every part of me is known, every aspect understood. He sees in me what I can never fully comprehend in myself. We are made beautifully in the image and likeness of God, regardless of virtues and vices, likes and dislikes. It is through humanity that what is invisible can become known to us, but even in that, the grandeur and complexity of our Creator is so great that it far outweighs our ability to understand it. (This is because we are not equals and also because #aintnobodygottimefordat.)
God is present in this moment in that He knows me so intimately that he can be strong where I have no strength & knowledgeable where I have no intellect. He is present as what little of Creation I'm capable of appreciating and understanding is made known to me out of love. He is present in this moment as I feel more assured than ever that I am not a mistake, without purpose or incapable.
Concerning the tests & everything else ahead, I understand that despite being no brilliant scholar (YEEETTTT. *wiggles eyebrows*), it seems that this is the path I've been lead walk. I'm in over my head, yes, not because I'm a mass of meaningless, stupid cells, but rather the opposite. It is exactly out of holy purpose and being made in the likeness of the Creator-astounding as He is- that I am capable and called to do exactly this. As difficulty comes into play throughout each next step, I hope to keep my eyes directed upon God. He's got this.
"I KNEW YOU BEFORE I FORMED YOU IN YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB. BEFORE YOU WERE BORN I SET YOU APART."
EACH OF US IS WILLED,
EACH OF US IS LOVED,
EACH OF US IS NECESSARY.