on being incomplete + the pursuit of becoming whole | part one
I am broken. Over and over, late at night, staring my reflection down in the mirror and in so many other moments I have tearfully mumbled these words to myself. I think we all have.
We each have certain tragedies to bear, our own crosses to carry. And despite our strong wills, hearts of steel we become bruised, torn & hurt in the fight for what we love.
I'm not here to tell you that your brokenness shouldn't exist & instruct you on how to "man up" and get over it. Honestly, I'm so sick of the world telling us that we always need to be "ok"--to "choose" happiness. And that's where the root of this....series, of sorts....stems from.
Sure, you can find the positive aspects of life, see the blessings in the rubble... and I urge you to do so & see the beauty that surrounds. But when it goes extreme & we hide feelings of pain and heartache behind some sort of fake smile, we end up doing more harm than good. It's time for that to stop.
The emotions we possess--both the happy, sunshiney ones & also the "ugly" ones are a gift. They aren't something to be ashamed of and buried deep inside.
Often a plethora of feelings come with the brokenness. Emptiness and that feeling of being alone seep through the cracks of our brokenness. We develop a longing to be completed and search for something to close the cracks and glue together what has been torn apart. The heart can only take so much brokenness before it goes searching for ways to be mended.
I have learned that this is all of great value. The hunt for becoming whole again has got to be the most beautiful of any pursuit. I'd go so far as to say that this desire is one of the most human things about you... but more on that later. The intuition you carry should not be disregarded or seen as fleeting impossibility. It was put within you as a reminder that you are wanted, infinitely loved, and seen as a priceless treasure. You are worthy and capable of being healed.
Unfortunately, it is no easy path. First, it includes a butt freaking full of humiliation as we realize that in of ourselves...we are not enough to make everything better. We all reach this point at some time or another, it's inevitable. Try as hard as we may our efforts end in vain. And a world that preaches complete self-reliance (especially to women, it seems) this is horribly difficult to swallow.
There are a few shall we say "popular" means of cultivating a feeling of worthlessness in a person-- abuse being an obvious one. I think that this extreme self-reliance that has been engraved into our heads so deeply is another. Once we reach the realization that we aren't capable of healing ourselves, it's like the whole world comes crashing down. "I am not only broken, but completely unable to get better on my own." Double whammie. And sadly, it is at this point that so many fall even further as their pain is multiplied by hopeless feelings.
The question comes to...if I cannot fill in these cracks, what can?
(A follow-up post to come within the next couple days. God bless, friends!)